Joy ---> Depress

Today,when i had decided to write this blog...i have made a long long thinking in my mind...whatever,all the responsibility,i will carry it by myself...no matter what will happen next...

Today, i went to QB with my family and ww and wy. We went to QB about 2 smtg,then since nothing to do, we went to watch movie again..we watched <<monsters vs aliens>>
it's quite nice and funny...the only thing is that we sat on the third row...omg...i feel not so comfortable..and yet,i din wear spec. ...ugh...i realli not 100% enjoy de movie...

After that, we went to eat dinner...we went a HK restaurant...oh no..its dish is soooooooooooooooooooooo salty...can't eat and it's sooooooooo or damn expensive...omg
1 fried rice sold 6-8 ringgit m'sia...aduh,like that de business oso can do arh..

Then, we went to JF... I think the depress,sorrow part is started here,haix...i duno why i am going to JF...since when i was 12 yrs old, sis radiance pull me go 2 JF, that time i felt so angry...i said that in my heart :"难道我就不能有选择的权利吗?!".. Finally, i oso went into it...starting it's damn bored...i dun like to join, and i dun hv much close frenz inside....i felt angry...but later on...i think i become more mature ..i think it deeply,and JF start to became funny and nice...and my close friend relationship became better...I enjoy the activity,chat with ww,wy,james,jh,jk

Soon, everything had change....duno when,JF started to change..it realli change...it seems like everybody is juz care for themselves...even they didn't act it,but i can feel it....there is smtg changes in JF...i feel no longer happy and enjoy in JF... I felt so hurt and depress when i go 2 JF.... It is a long story to tell....and i lazy to say also...

Not even like that,i feel that having a close frenz is an extremly hard thing...i think a person that has a lot of CLOSE FRENZ is a v.GOOD things...for me,i think like i have a few CLOSE FRENZ only....the person that take me as frenz not even treat me as frenz...Last time,i felt like my relationship between JF is closer than my school frenz...i guess i am wrong...this feeling is no longer appear...what i felt is just hurting...lies...i feel so tired...upset...it's no longer having fun,joyfulness,i mean...it is not a place that let me share my joy with each and everyone...it is just a place that make me feel so hurt...sad..upset..depress...i m so sad when i felt this way...

I know everyone will not accept my thinking...they will think that u should SHUT UP, and keep ur mouth shut and sit there quietly and treat it as nothing..or they will brain wash u ....and command u 2 forget all those negative concept....but even though i forget about it...the things still repeating...i still can feel it again... i mean..it's useless...

As i said, having a CLOSE FRENZ is not an easy thing....sorry i have to said that, i think nobody treat me as a friend..they just treat me as a person u know(知道)... i looks like not apart from the 'family'...the only close frenz that i felt they are really a best friend...a true friend...not as other....they just so 'cool'...not nice at all...A true friend is a good listener,a friend that can help u in ur problem or dangerous situation...like wong wins and wong yiit...they are a good listener...sometimes....they will gimme some good advice...zoe oso,she gives me a v.good advice when i v."pek chek"...she is realli a good frenz...she know me quite well...and gimme courage to do things...she also realli a good listener and do whatever she had promise to do....this is call a good frenz...

Sometimes,i treat ppl as frenz,they din even treat me as frenz...or they treat me as frenz for a while, maybe 4-5 mins...ugh...i hate that...Mr.J(it's just an unknown) he din treat me as a frenz althought we r a gd frenz since we're small...to care or protect a friendship is not an easy thing....for me...it is a hard thing...extremly hard...i dun think he treat me as frenz anymore...

I feel v.comfortable when i talking to my close frenz...bcuz i m doing myself...the true me...when i talking to others...i feel so hard and sad....bcuz i m not doing myself...i m just wearing a mask to talk to them...i feel like i m so fake...i dun like that....

Until now...i feel so sad...my eyes still got tears...my heart had just hurt by so many ppl for so many years...i always think that it's all right...but no...it's hurt...v.pain....pain until i can't stand it anymore...i am sorry....

I always have to smile when i am sad,depress, and under stress...chinese call 强颜欢笑
...it realli hard to do it...n i cnt share it with my family members...althought we look like v.close to each other...NO...i feel sad...why there's no one can hear my sorrow....ppl think i am a v.joyful person....when i shared it out..again,another round to get hurt,said me not sporting,not steady,so selfish,get angry v.easily.... but it's not true...i had carried this burden for sooooooo long....why can't i sahre it out...why??? This world is soooooo unfair...

Till now,my heart is no longer complete...JF is no longer a happy place...friendship is no longer loyal...full of lies and hurting....only bad friend can stay in this war...true friend will just sacrifice themselves 4 the truth....and for the loyalty..

Now, i wanna end my blog with this poem below that i search from the internet....:
Never Forgotten
by Kristin Evans
I was only eight when it began
Late at night, when I was alone.
You preyed on my innocence and my trust.
How did I know that it was wrong?

You did things so horrible to me,
My soul and body were bared.
What you did to that little girl
Left me feeling alone and scared.

You said it was to show your love
By taking my body for your use.
But now I know that what happened to me
Wasn't love; it was abuse.

All the dirty things you did to me
Won't wash away with rain.
Nothing on earth will rid my heart
Of this neverending pain.

I hope that you hurt as much as I do,
Or do you even remember what you did?
Nothing will make up for the pain you caused
When I was just a kid.

The physical scars you put on my body
Have since healed with time.
But my pain still shows on the outside
Whenever the child inside of me starts to cry.

That little eight year old girl
Had to grow up way too soon.
And all of the hurt and pain that you have caused
Will always be remembered, like a flower that forever blooms.